22nd April 2009! I Didn’t Think I Would Make It If You Wasn’t With Me

I will say that I have had some rocky stages throughout my life that I can never take back, and honestly I have only myself to blame for my own actions and if my sister and my other family members were around me now they would tell me that I would need to speak to someone i.e the doctors about this whole thing, but honestly like their is so much, so many times that I can go to the doctors to seek out professional help because I have done it so many times now that I tend to find it hard for me to even pick up the phone to ring them. But I know that I have got to do it at some point, but to be quite honest I just choose not to do it an just deal with whatever problems come my way.

I’m so glad that my sister and I have disrespected in more way than one and that is another opportunity for me to do a post, just know this I love this fantastic lady with all my heart. The god would not know me inside and out like I this girl!! But this day that I’ve never been able to forget when my whole life, or the life that I thought I knew would be gone in an instant. and if she was not with me, I would not be on this planet BELIEVE!

Is This Real Or Am I Asleep

I was told I was HIV positive and honest to GOD! If she was not their that day I would not be on this earth and trust me when I tell you, that I am serious with what I am saying. I wouldn’t be here and I have to thank her from the bottom of my heart! I feel so alone right now it hurts, but the thing about it is that I don’t want to say anything to anyone, for the main reason is that I tend to bottle up a lot of my emotions and my feelings when its comes down to and I have done since the beginning of time. I have spoken to the professionals about what is going on with me inside my head, how I have suicidal tenancies that I sometimes, can never control.

Dear Blue Eyes,

I decided to take this section out from My Friend Anxiety mainly because he deserved his own place! I feel so lost in this world without my anchor to keep me afloat in the sea of regrets

Dear Blue Eyes,
I’ve always been thinking to myself, well actually mostly all of the time, why am I here?? What can I as a gay black male actually bring to anyone who is of the same sex as me, bring into any form of relationship! May it be a friendship or an actual long term one… My last actual serious relationship that I had with my blue-eyed angel 😇 Jody De Vos 😇

I can not believe his gone but he is and will always be the love of my life, but his gone, and I’m never seeing his face again, and honestly that kills me and makes me cry now just thinking about, but the way I’m feeling now, do you actually blame me? He was the only person who actually got to know and understand me on the inside, but I’m going to say that my sister who I love with all my heart knows me inside and out and was with me the day that I was told I was HIV positive and honest to GOD! If she was not their that day I would not be on this earth and trust me when I tell you, that I am serious with what I am saying. I wouldn’t be here and I have to thank her from the bottom of my heart! I feel so alone right now it hurts, but the thing about it is that I don’t want to say anything to anyone, for the main reason is that I tend to bottle up a lot of my emotions and my feelings when its comes down to and I have done since the beginning of time. I have spoken to the professionals about what is going on with me inside my head, how I have suicidal tenancies that I sometimes, can never control.

I will say that I have had some rocky stages throughout my life that I can never take back, and honestly I have only myself to blame for my own actions and if my sister and my other family members were around me now they would tell me that I would need to speak to someone i.e the doctors about this whole thing, but honestly like their is so much, so many times that I can go to the doctors to seek out professional help because I have done it so many times now that I tend to find it hard for me to even pick up the phone to ring them. But I know that I have got to do it at some point, but to be quite honest I just choose not to do it an just deal with whatever problems come my way.OK! I have got to go because thinking about Jody and my depression is making my anxiety kick into overdrive and if I am honest I just want to go to bed and not wake up. But I know that I am just talking out of my bum when I start thinking like that I only get this way when I let my anxiety and depression kick in and take over and then all bets are off that time.

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RSVP Dinner Date!

RSVP Dinner Date!

The Young Ones – Age 11 in my form class 7C and our form teacher that I will admit I can’t remember her name or I would of told you it by now, but the first of many tutors that I came into contact during that first year of my education, when I actually look back at it all and look at the issue at a different prospective and then be there thinking and have a slight worrying picture in that young fragile mind that we all have at that age … Outsider looking I would automatically think Shit! And then have all these crazy thoughts going through your mind, as to where you think your schooling is going to take you or if you forgot anything that you needed to bring home from school and you’ve gone and left it on the ledge of the window by the art table, which I will add I have and had done on different days only because I was doing Art for my GCSEs I would of been there for longer as I had more crap to do before I could even leave the classroom let alone the school gates like for real! I’ve just remembered about something else that I can mention talk about in the next post that will make this part of it make sense! Trust me and the method of my madness and various other stuff … again another post Back to this … This feeling for me and my age was huge and I wanted this whole feeling and emotion continue with me on this educational boat trip! Not just for me but all the other kids that were in the same class room fresh faced looking good and clean in my new School Uniform that my mother went to go get for me, I know this because I had to come with her so that we all knew where people were at all times! South East London Secondary Warwick Park. My mother, told me that when she was my age that she and 1st cousin went to the same school.
According to her the school had its own swimming pool, but by the time I starting attending the school they decided to empty the pool and brick it up, which I actually think and still do to this day, that the reasoning behind getting rid of the swimming pool was the most random and a stupid thing to do in my opinion but hey that’s life isn’t it?!?!


I was doing well in my lessons and getting the questions right, which some of my other class mates, that didn’t know the answer and shouting out some next thing for something different and then I put my hand up to answer the question and I got it done, because funny thing about it is that I did at some point in my childhood like science and wanting to know more about it, but then quickly flew out my head quick time and I was onto the next hyped up experience I wanted to try out for myself. Also my mother and the teacher lived in like the same area i think she told it was, something like that I can’t remember but apparently they lived in the same ends so we were “cool” Everything was going good when it was coming down to going to my lessons and actually doing something that would not just stimulate my brain, but also I would be getting the education that every child wanted to get. The vibe and sensations I was getting during the first year was overwhelming, but not that long lasting as before I could properly get comfortable with my whole new surroundings then I would be good, but actually when you come to think about it properly the whole process that every parent goes through once their children have finished primary school and all the kids are off from anything relating to school, for what seems like a life sentence for some parents, the other parent are boss ass bitches! Yes I said it I called the first swear word on this thing lol! No but on a real though, and I need to be real with you! I actually the amount of times I have been wanting to actually say a swear word! Like seriously because I am what you call “Sexual Chocolate” it in a flash. (Well that is what I thought of anyways) Anyone who was starting their first days at a secondary school will understand the various different emotions and feelings one person will endeavour. It was a interesting sensation that I will not like to experience again anytime soon. But some people but have a different outlook to how their school experience was for them. This was the calm before the storm as everyone says one point in their life, but I’ll break it down for you!


I was around 13-14 and I was at that stage to start to pick my options for my GCSE’s at first I knew what my options were going to be and I even had my backup options that we had to pick just in case my main choices was fully booked.

because my school was in the ghetto and was being run and managed by some of the boat ghettoes as fuck people, my lovely head of year decided to do a magic trick which NEVER worked and the tit (yes I call my head of year a tit) lost all of the option forms that the whole year had done so we all then had to do them all over again, but at this stage the majority of the options had already been taken up by the students so I was stuck with my crappy backup plan:

  • Art
  • Double Science  
  • Business Studies 
  • Graphic Design 

I know that they were more but I my brains gone to sleep but if I remember them I will add them at the end. So the rundown thus far is as follows. Prior years I was predicated 5 A*- C but then roll into me coming out as gay 🌈 in the most ghetto as fuck school which was not the best way for me to do it. I fancied a guy in the school and at the time I was (kinda still am) very gullible beyond belief, but I will admit that I have been giving it my all since my schooling, but still a work in progress I have to say. At the time I did think that I had friends at school (see the gullible side coming out yet?!?) But I was informed from a girl that was in the form room below mine (cant remember her name) she goes on to tell me that the guy in question Michael  had the same feelings for me as I had for him. “You all know what is going to happen, but still carry on reading”

So me a very gullible, young teenager who has just come out to the world, well the friends at school that I was rolling with. I will admit the majority of the people I hanged out with were female, not because I was gay it was basically the fact that I felt comfortable being around them, but even that didn’t stop them. Apparently they all knew that I was gay even before I did or was even given the chance to see nor work it for myself, so then I would be able to come to terms with it a lot more better than I done prior. . Anyways this so she tells me that I should write him a letter telling him how I was feeling and all that good stuff “yes this bitch did write a letter and gave it to her” twat features decides to put the letter that I had wrote to him in her purse and rock into her own form room as we all needed to go for our final registration and then get going for our last lessons of the day.

“Hmmm”


I’m just chilling in the classroom as it’s the last registration for the day as I had my last class of the day to attend which was Maths. I’ll just say this me and Maths have a love/hate relationship but that’s a whole different blog post. Finishing off registration so that we can all wait for the bell to go so we can go to class, when I noticed that Michael was standing outside of my form class, but he wasn’t alone he was with his mate who I didn’t like so I kinda had a bad feeling about what was going to happen once the final bell went for class. My heart was beating some crazy ass beats once both mine and Michael’s eye connected. Both Michael and his mate were calling me to come out of the classroom so he can talk to me, at this point again my mind is going into overdrive and I am panicking about what is going to go down once I get out of the classroom. But before I could do anything the final bell goes and it’s starts to get busy with all the other students going to their last lessons before heading home for the day. So at this point there is me, Michael and dog face, we start walking out to the back entrance towards the Design and Technology block, we then start walking around it towards the football pitch, but this time we are now behind the Graphics room and then the fun stuff is about to go down.

Remember, Close Your Mouth Cos This Will Shock You

Once we have got to where we needed to be away from everyone, the questions have begun and I need to answer them.
Michael: “Did you write the letter Leon?” this question was asked to me more than once. Each time it was asked my response was always: “No” Well this lovely letter that I wrote and gave to twat features had been read out loud in the classroom so everyone was able to hear what I wrote. After a while I gave up at this point and I just said “yeah I did write the letter” and with that I automatically said sorry for it! While I talking and saying sorry for even listening to her in the first place because then none of this would be happening to me at this moment, I noticed in the corner of my eye that he had his right hand clinched into a fist and the words “sorry” flew from his lips and all I remember is his fist come up and hit the corner of my head hard that it knocked me out cold, but before that I’m span around twice and ended up on the floor in mud, it had been raining all day that day which is always fun!! But I’ve FINALLY woken up from being knocked out and I quickly get up and check myself and the half of me is covered in mud mud and I’m wet, cold and half of me and my uniform, are now wet and covered in mud!!

The only thing I was worried about was getting away from him and just going to my last lesson. Michael wanted to know where I was going and when I said that I was going to maths he straight up told me not to go to the lesson and with that being said I started walking back as if I was going to maths, but I just carried on walking and I walked out of school and because I was looking like shit with mud all down one side of my school uniform I carried on walking and I just walked home and yes I was crying while I was going home. I managed to get home before my mum got home from work. I took off my uniform and dashed the whole thing in the washing machine and got myself into some joggers and a random t shirt that I had lying around and just sat on the sofa, waiting for my mum to come home from work, making out to her that we were able to get out of school a little bit early which we all know was a flat out lie and we were going to roll with the punches till I can go to bed and just forget about where I was prior to being at my current location. Head of Year got involved which I can now see and justify the actions, but then when you actually think about it, not really I wasn’t hurting anyone’s feelings personally. They should be feeling blessed that I thought you were something to look at, but there you go! So I feel like crap inside and out I just wanna get to bed, so this is what we done till I had to get up the next day for school…

Lunchtime at school the day after I’ve just been knocked out cold and woke up in mud! Nice look going on right there if I don’t say so myself. I can laugh about it no worries now, but when I’m coming to fully know that yes I am Gay and this is what I know I am and I will do what I gotta do regardless basically! Eye contact between me and Michael have not happen yet as I can not gather his location… He didn’t come back to school till Wednesday of that same week and from then on wards till we were about to start our GCSE’s and break from school for “Study Break” which I willing admit was some good times as we didn’t really need to be on the school grounds until we were doing our exams and to also collect our grades to take us on to college and the rest of your life …..

College is where your meant to know who you wanna be. I didn’t but did you??

Lawyer In The Making!

Well I have to admit that I am actually looking forward to getting myself back into my studies to be completely honest. The experience that I have gained for that short space in time I really did enjoy it and I have had an interesting ride on the study train, but I actually cant wait to start again I know its going to be a vast variety of emotions and feelings that I will feel along the way, but I think that I am ready for it for sure…

My close-net family including the few people I can actually call a “friend” will know where I am coming from, and also what I am about to ask you all,but for all the possibilities out there, I would advise you to go and get get some popcorn or something to munch on while you read this and do not forget to get yourself comfortable, because I am going to be telling you a little story about little old me.

I am still to this day trying to sort out my student finance for this year so that I’m able to actually get it all sorted now and ready for when the actual day arrives and I begin my studies again. My personal goal especially for my degree is that I am going to be getting this done and have that special opportunity to go onto graduate with a degree that I do hope will get me where I need to be in life and that’s to become a solicitor working within the criminal investigations and all that good stuff, mainly because I like all things that crime based! I am a big, well no I’m a HUGE!!! Fan of such programs as the following

Now once you have read it all and got to know a little something about me I will say that I have already prepared myself for all the mixed emotions that you may or may not have, but I will leave you with this. If you have any questions that you would like to ask me then you are more than welcome to ask me (depending of course on what question you will ask me. I did say that I was an open book, but some things I will keep to myself)

  • Stark Trek: The Next Generation
  • Star Trek: Voyager {Love Captain Janeway – Kate Mulgrew}
  • Seven of Nine – Jeri Ryan

I do have other programs that I like to watch, but honestly I can’t remember the names of them so I’m just going to stick with the ones that I have mentioned for now, but if I do remember the others then I’ll add them to the next post lol

Do you have a 5 year life plan for yourself?? The only main reason I ask you all this is mainly to see what answers you leave in the comments below. I will admit that I keep on changing mine like all the time, but I wanna stick to one thing and see it all the way through to the end and finally make something of myself in this world we call the United Kingdom. I have changed my mind on what or where I could see myself. When I was younger and in my teens I wanted to study to become a nurse working with children for a few years and then move to more challenging things like working in Accident and Emergency as there I’ll be confronted with various things that I would need to deal with etc…. but then while I was doing my NVQ Level 2 in childcare the head of the college that I was going to decided to tell me on numerous occasions that I would never achieve the goal I set myself, I would never graduate nor qualify to become a nurse, so me who deals with anxiety and major depression issues is not a way to speak to me, and the last thing that I remember was that I dashed my big leaver arch folder that was filled with all my course work that I’ve been doing since I started the bloody thing, and I just grabbed my stuff and left the building and didn’t return. But before I did leave I made sure that I call her all the names that I could think of at the time to call her. I couldn’t find the link as to why she felt the need to discriminate against me and mark me out to be a failure in life. I have failed in a lot of things and I actually thought that I’d be happy and do what I knew I wanted to do even before I got to where I am today. I will admit mind I do have a National Vocational Qualification (NVQ) Level 1 Certificate in IT which I am happy with. I even went to another college when I was about 20/21 I think because yet again I changed my mind and this time I wanted to train to become a flight attendant working for an airline. I will say this for a laugh I finished the course because it was only for a year so that was cool! I even applied to Easy Jet as they were recruiting for cabin crew at Gatwick Airport, which I didn’t get because I fucked up the English and Maths test that they had, and I will admit that it knocked my confidence out of sync and I didn’t have the same mind set to do that career. Now I’m doing my law Degree with the Open University. I passed the first year which I was really happy about, but after that my mental health took a beating and I decided to drop out not just once but twice and that was back 2017. We are now in 2019 and I’m about to begin my second year and I’m looking forward to getting stuck in and beating it down with something legal. But I’ve still gotta sort out my student finance loan application because the site has been playing up and it’s been winding me up big time, I’ve had to get in contact with them about the issues and I’ve been taken around the houses with different people telling me different information. But we shall see what happens tomorrow or even next week when I try to finish off my bloody loan application. But till then my darlings I shall see you on the flip side 💋💋💋