What is the point of living?? No seriously I’m asking you a question that I’ve been taken care of trying to fucking think about and I’m seriously going to crack up! I don’t know what it is about me when you put gay men and love into the mix. I mean I thought that I was going on a sort of “date” kinda thing which I was looking forward to as I haven’t been out or on an actual date for years and I’m 34 years old! If you knew me on the outside you’d know that I’m a really nice bloke that who has so much love that it hurts, not forgetting that I would do anything and everything for you, if you’d let me! But you know what the little shit that I was going on this date thing with. They decided to not get in contact with me or even come to the pub and meet up with me as they were going to be staying at mine, mainly because he said that he was going to go and sleep in a hotel, even though I’ve got my own place, like seriously mate you serious or just dumb?
Sorry I’m going crazy in my head right now and this is the only way for me to get it out or I’ll just let it cook up a storm in my mind and then my anxiety and depression will take over and then it’s game over! Why’d you think I’m doing this? I’m meant to be asleep like 6 hours ago but no I’ve been wide awake winding myself up like no mans’ business it’s not even a joke I just get it I’m just not worth the time to think about really, now I know I’m just talking crap and this isn’t even me speaking it’s my bestie who just NEEDS TO FUCK OFF! But honest to god the amount of time I’ve asked her to leave me alone and let me live my own life the way I see fit! But no she’s not going anywhere, and I’ve been here many times before so I should know this record like clockwork and I do know it I just wanted to see if she’ll like get the hint and do exactly what it says on the tin! Mental health is not something to play around with like for real! It fucks with your emotions, life, your friends, family members anything that is around you, believe me it does and then its sitting there watching everything around you burn up and turn to a dusty white like fucking Casper! But this bitch ain’t no friendly ghost 👻
I always think to myself mostly all the time, why am I here?? What can I as a gay black male actually bring to anyone who is of the same sex as me, bring into any form of relationship! May it be a friendship or an actual long term one… My last actual serious relationship that I had with my blue-eyed angel 😇 Jody I can not believe his gone but he is and will always be the love of my life, but his gone, and I’m never seeing his face again, and honestly that kills me and makes me cry now just thinking about, but the way I’m feeling now, do you actually blame me? He was the only person who actually got to know and understand me on the inside, but I’m going to say that my sister who I love with all my heart knows me inside and out and was with me the day that I was told I was HIV positive and honest to GOD! If she was not their that day I would not be on this earth and trust me when I tell you, that I am serious with what I am saying. I wouldn’t be here and I have to thank her from the bottom of my heart! I feel so alone right now it hurts, but the thing about it is that I don’t want to say anything to anyone, for the main reason is that I tend to bottle up a lot of my emotions and my feelings when its comes down to and I have done since the beginning of time. I have spoken to the professionals about what is going on with me inside my head, how I have suicidal tenancies that I sometimes, can never control. I will say that I have had some rocky stages throughout my life that I can never take back, and honestly I have only myself to blame for my own actions and if my sister and my other family members were around me now they would tell me that I would need to speak to someone i.e the doctors about this whole thing, but honestly like their is so much, so many times that I can go to the doctors to seek out professional help because I have done it so many times now that I tend to find it hard for me to even pick up the phone to ring them. But I know that I have got to do it at some point, but to be quite honest I just choose not to do it an just deal with whatever problems come my way.
OK! I have got to go because thinking about Jody and my depression is making my anxiety kick into overdrive and if I am honest I just want to go to bed and not wake up.
What would you do in my situation???