I decided to take this section out from My Friend Anxiety mainly because he deserved his own place! I feel so lost in this world without my anchor to keep me afloat in the sea of regrets
Dear Blue Eyes,
I’ve always been thinking to myself, well actually mostly all of the time, why am I here?? What can I as a gay black male actually bring to anyone who is of the same sex as me, bring into any form of relationship! May it be a friendship or an actual long term one… My last actual serious relationship that I had with my blue-eyed angel 😇 Jody De Vos 😇
I can not believe his gone but he is and will always be the love of my life, but his gone, and I’m never seeing his face again, and honestly that kills me and makes me cry now just thinking about, but the way I’m feeling now, do you actually blame me? He was the only person who actually got to know and understand me on the inside, but I’m going to say that my sister who I love with all my heart knows me inside and out and was with me the day that I was told I was HIV positive and honest to GOD! If she was not their that day I would not be on this earth and trust me when I tell you, that I am serious with what I am saying. I wouldn’t be here and I have to thank her from the bottom of my heart! I feel so alone right now it hurts, but the thing about it is that I don’t want to say anything to anyone, for the main reason is that I tend to bottle up a lot of my emotions and my feelings when its comes down to and I have done since the beginning of time. I have spoken to the professionals about what is going on with me inside my head, how I have suicidal tenancies that I sometimes, can never control.
I will say that I have had some rocky stages throughout my life that I can never take back, and honestly I have only myself to blame for my own actions and if my sister and my other family members were around me now they would tell me that I would need to speak to someone i.e the doctors about this whole thing, but honestly like their is so much, so many times that I can go to the doctors to seek out professional help because I have done it so many times now that I tend to find it hard for me to even pick up the phone to ring them. But I know that I have got to do it at some point, but to be quite honest I just choose not to do it an just deal with whatever problems come my way.OK! I have got to go because thinking about Jody and my depression is making my anxiety kick into overdrive and if I am honest I just want to go to bed and not wake up. But I know that I am just talking out of my bum when I start thinking like that I only get this way when I let my anxiety and depression kick in and take over and then all bets are off that time.